Now That You Are Gone

There is a song sung by Francisco Ortega called “Now that you’re Gone.” It’s a song about a brother lost, and of a mourning sibling; the world spins without meaning, now that he is gone. Spins without meaning, has this happened to you?

It is amazing, how one’s worldview, one’s value system, forsake their meaning–providing function and betray our trust. It’s as if a mean trick has manipulated us, or has been fooling us all along. It wounds us, it strikes down our high place of safety and repose. It sabotages in a moment what has been built over many years perhaps. We spin, and spin.

An essential element, a vital piece of the puzzle, an every day visitor suddenly is missing, and we have no answers. We turn to God. But shockingly we find this event has no prior reference in our conceptualized view of God. Our phony world uncovers, our shortsighted vision exposes itself. What were we thinking? Where have we been? The emotions grieved, the conscience finds a new angle, and a black-hole influences the new awareness. Thoughts are hazy, the will has to wait as it finds itself in no position to operate.

The heart is broken, the depths are shaken, love leaves, God is gone. A shadowy, murky, twilight replaces the bright light of day, and many friends, whether songs or sayings, no longer fit us. Sleep eludes us, panic overtakes us, medication solicits us, resentment drives us, and all of these reconfigure us. We are becoming something unwanted.

 We are shocked by the time gone by without a single inkling of relief. We are not recovering. We are not coming through it. We are tempted to use our own will to bring it all to an end, but where do we take it? We cannot go back, we settle, at least, that issue. But then where? It must be something fresh, something never before done.

We begin. Our movement is slow, nevertheless with decisiveness, and the parts, we enforce discipline toward. They must submit; the emotions, conscience, mind and heart. We can’t care anymore about their usurpings, their independence of activity. We make them follow, for we are desperate. We feel nothing, taste nothing, sense nothing, intuit nothing. We go out not knowing where we go!

As we continue this way we ignore fear, condemning thoughts and downward pullings. Can God find me in this state? It remains an experiment, we forge ahead. As we desperately wish to love our family, we challenge God to show up, to be real, to be God in His all knowing, ever present, all-powerful self. After all, He claims to be able to work with next to nothing, and that is me.

I find Him, He appears, He loves, He shows compassion, He brings me to tears. He meets me in my sunken existence, in the pit of my own making, in the reconfiguration of my own soul. I’m a decision based, emotionless self now, and He is with me. He brings His emotions, His thoughts, His sense of approval. He loves me unconditionally, He must, He stoops, He caresses, He enters the hurting life.

“And the old life, will be my life again” is what the song says. That can never happen, but He meets me in a new way, one in which I have never known. It’s better, it’s deeper, it’s less troublesome, it’s intimate, it’s more God and less me, I have decreased, He has increased. I have never known His rest to this degree, He is my friend, sticking closer than a brother. He is there at all times, my faculties cooperating, or not. Thank you Lord.

Finally, Jesus told some people that if your hand offend thee, cut it off, for it is better to enter into life maimed, etc. We find the same with the soul. Sometimes our faculties offend us, but we must enter into life with maimed faculties, or healthy. To cut off or ignore some of these in order to follow on to know the Lord, may be necessary. Don’t fret my friends, God will give us new ones; His own. Amen