Once upon a time I scheduled a Heart Catherization. No heart problems had been found in the echo-cardiogram –EKG had also been fine. Cat-scan had revealed nothing heart wise and stress test was inconclusive. Concerned because of some chest pain when hiking, I persevered through these tests at the request of my appointed Cardiologist. I was sure nothing would become of the current exam.
I awoke to the gentle doctor’s straight but assuring face. His message was simple, “there is nothing we can do for you here.” “Stints are not possible; you have two total blockages and one 90%”
“What do you suggest?” was my astonished response.
“You might consider by-pass surgery.”
I hesitated, “how does that happen?”
“Hang on for a minute.” The kind doctor left the room.
He reappeared, “do you want to go tomorrow?”
“yes.”
So began my journey defining year in the month of March. Whisked off at 4 in the morning, I was soon being prepped for the procedure. The ambulance caregiver had prayed for me, the driver was very loving. But now I kissed conscious life goodbye, and succumbed to the anesthesia. Time stopped.
When it returned to me, the damage was done. Broken down the middle of my chest, wire held me together, but heart and arteries kept the body alive. It had been a success. The physician came in and gave me a heart shaped pillow. I must hold it to my chest if a sneeze comes on. And I must begin to walk; and walk and walk. (Unspoken: you will be in pain and recovery for the rest of this 2023 year.)
And pain it was, Oxycodone, Tylenol — they never give you enough! Visiting nurses for three or four months, progress moves at a snails pace . Tiny gains were not sufficient to un-tempt depression — the mental battle took to the forefront. The peace and joy of rest and free vacation had run its course, I wanted to step out of my skin.
When do I get better?
Now. It was May, June, July. Cardio rehab started. My mentality fought, the battle raged on. Falling into abyss, I struggled to hold on to life and sanity. This part I had to learn. This part, for the identification with others, I must taste and experience. Becoming the meaning of the entire ordeal, in weakened body I grappled for my mind. With tiredness and timidity, I begged God for quickening. With sedated physicality, I head-butted with the devil.
Its December, ingrafted into my psychological profile are these:
- The kindness of caregivers — nurses, wife, daughter in law.
- The acceptance of incomplete restoration bodily.
- The pain of less — physical strength and freedom to hike the woods.
- The great identifying sense with those who suffer endlessly.
- A new appreciation for life itself.
- A new understanding of God’s perfect plan.
- Thanksgiving !
In closing, I have heard that it takes a year to heal. Some say longer. I hope 2024 comes as a good year. I hope I live through its entirety. I hope Jesus returns this year. Day to day, even moment by moment is enough of New Year’s resolutions for me. I still have pain but excitement has somewhat returned to me — and hope. 2023 brought the dying, 2024 my resurrection? Thank you Lord for eternal life!. Love ya.
